nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
