the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
