i need an iv and a liver transplant
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
