upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
