She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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