maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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