I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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