fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
