ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
