There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
