I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
