if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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