i love accidental penises.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
