FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm passing your future prison.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
