If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Watching her eat just hurts me
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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