Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
