She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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