she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
