There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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