remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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