I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
