onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
