Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
