As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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