After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
