i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
