I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
