No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Randomize
