I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
