I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
