So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
