Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
