you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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