If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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