burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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