I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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