My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
