Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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