Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
