Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
