If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
