A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
