Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
