my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
