dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
