you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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