Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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