last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
She's the barista slut.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
