sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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