The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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