you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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