I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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