I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
